so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
