My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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