My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
