I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
