I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
