I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
