WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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