someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
