I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
