My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
