Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
