Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
