i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
