If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
