Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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