Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I CAN MOONWALK!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
