Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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