Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
