Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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