Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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