I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
