i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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