I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
