i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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