I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
