Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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