She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
