The maid of honor just puked.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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