you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
