Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
