are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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