I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
