You made me cry and you don't even care
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
