I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
