I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
