I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
