Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
