He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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