that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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