I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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