What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
3 2 1 whiskey
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
