a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
