my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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