i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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