I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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