im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
