Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
