Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
