i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
