Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
