I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
