i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're a waste of cheezeits
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
