dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Oh god it's open bar.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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