I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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