She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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