WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
