Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Randomize
