Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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